A Bad Deal
by HardfacedQueenofMisadventure
Summary: "Death would be preferable to this." Substance D withdrawal. Inspired by a track from the film's OST, and written in an afternoon.


**Hello? Helloooo? Anyone there? No, well, I'll just leave this here anyway. Nobody's likely to come across it, but I just wrote it and I rather like it, so I might as well publish it.  
If anyone is reading this: it's based off of the film. I adore the book, but I had the film in mind while I was writing. It doesn't really make much difference, but I thought I should point it out. Anyway, enjoy! **

* * *

Ominous. Something on the horizon, not quite close enough to see, but more than close enough to sense. Icy frissons temper the searing heat from within, welcome but agonizing in their own way. All is dark, only heightening the sense that something odious is building in the shadows beyond _this _point in reality. Beyond right here, right now, nothing is safe. Identity, the stability of knowing who you are, gone. The safety net of knowing your destination , of knowing your intentions, gone. The future is no longer safe, because I don't know what could happen. But time marches on, irrevocably, pushing me further and further away from what I know and into some dark chasm that could be anywhere and could be nowhere, and I'm powerless to make it stop.

Heartbeat, slow and arrhythmic. Building in pace gradually, background noise to this oblivion. My heart, beating away, or somebody else's? Who knows anymore? All I know is it's getting faster, and it's unbearable. It hurts in a way that's strangely distant – is this pain mine or somebody else's? – ghost limbs aching and cramping, shivers passing up and down a disembodied spine, a pain I cannot pinpoint to soothe. Nausea threaded in and out, vague and inescapable as the fog that drives you off the road and into a ravine, to your death. _**D**__eath… would be a blessing. _  
Faster, faster, faster. The sensation bears down upon me (_run! Run!) _and I can't bear it anymore. Time is passing, passing, passing, and I'm not ready for it, I'm not, I'm not, and _oh dear god help me….! _

And then, calm. A halcyon stillness born of something with a honey-sweet voice, lifting pain and banishing fear and demonic shadow like dawn's light chasing away the last of a storm. A blissfully cool hand (whose?) against my forehead, lifting damp strands of hair away. The voice has no words, drifting in and out of audible range with the soft rise and fall of a tide. Weaving a spell to banish whatever this is. Darkness lifts a little, and I gain enough awareness to realise that my eyes have been shut the whole time. Everything before me is a shapeless blur of light and shadow, senseless, a breeze carrying the scent of petrol ghosting in and out, a reminder, a clue, if only I could think enough to try and decipher it. Something distant purrs, a mechanical susurrus on the very fringes of my reality.

Nausea rears up, shadows congeal around the edges of my vision again, tainting the sweetness with a bitter edge. The voice that brought me back, angelic and lovely, is strangled with tears now. She's losing the battle, then. Losing _me. _  
I feel myself slipping backwards, away from her hand, away from her voice, into something dark and twisted. The silent stillness is mocking, _be-careful-what-you-wish-for _undertones laughing in my head. I can still hear her, just, above and below everything else, murmuring away, high notes of sorrow edging into her tone, and soon even that fades.  
Reality melts slowly, dripping bit by bit away from me, molten wax sliding down glass, colours blurring together a little at a time, until I am utterly, utterly lost. Aware of nothing.

Until the pain begins. Slowly, insidiously at first, a background murmur gradually rising. Too slow to pinpoint, but inexorable. Consuming me like slow flames, little by little until I am nothing but ashes. But that moment will never come. Oblivion would be welcome, which is why it holds back. Keeping me in agony perpetually. Pain, pain and sickness, endless.

Reality comes back with a slamming, brutal jolt as I am hauled to my feet, head coming to rest automatically against somebody's shoulder. Memory of the scent of perfume touches my nose briefly, carrying with it a name that I can't quite remember, hiding on the periphery of my memory.  
_Donna…?_

We're walking in shadow, the ground is hard and unyielding beneath my feet. She's practically holding me up. There's a square of light ahead, blurred and dim, and it doesn't cross my mind to ask where we are.  
Light consumes my vision, the dull, distant murmur of too many voices swarming to surround me, even though we're alone. I fall, uncontrolled, to the floor, cold and hard beneath sweat-slicked palms. Everything's a blur, I can't see, I can't breathe. I'm aware of hands on my shoulders, something coarse and smelling of damp wrapped around my shoulders. My forehead presses against the floor. It's suddenly impossible to pull in a full breath without something painful constricting my chest and stomach, and a haze of drowning, choking pain crushes me.  
When it recedes and I'm left tasting acid and decay, I realise that her hands are no longer touching me. I stretch the edges of my watery, shadowy vision, but she is gone. Donna is gone.  
Donna is gone.  
And finally, _finally, _I am gone too.

* * *

**...I don't know either. It started off as a brief mood piece based on the instrumental **_**You'll See The Way You Saw Before**_** from the OST, and then it evolved a bit. A lot. However, listening to that particular piece of music might enhance the overall effect of this little oneshot, so give it a go. If you read it, please, please review it, because I want to see some evidence that this is actually being read at all, and that there are more ASD fans out there. Because I haven't found many :(**


End file.
